I've been jonsing for some affection for a while now. It's been intensified some because a long-time friend of mine, since he age of 15, has come back in the picture. We have a connection but it's never went as far as the bedroom. He was married the last time we spoke and I'm not going to be coy about what happened. We had a moment or two. But now, things have changed and he is divorced. __________________________________
I started writing this entry yesterday, thinking that writing about what was going on would help me figure out things. Maybe I have outgrown writing about my life.... I don't know for sure. I am making some changes, though. I went to counseling this morning and as an outcome of that session, I've realized that I need to start going to Al-Anon sessions. There's one tomorrow night. Thursday night is a good night for me because I don't have to be at work Friday morning. I don't know how it will go. I've went to meeting in the past and there's a lot of emotional stuff going on that I've already worked through on my end. Hmm... I guess we'll try and see the outcome. Take it for what it is and roll on.
I've been meaning to post an entry as of late but for one reason or another, I've found myself unable to update. I think a l ot of it is busyness.
So, I am trying to come up with new ways for me to post things just to get back in the habit of posting day to day. One thing that I really enjoy is learning new words. I subscribe to word of the day from dictionary.com. Yes, that is kind of a nerdy thing to do but I am not ashamed to be labled as such. If the word fits, use it.
Today's word is obviate and it means to anticiapte and prevent or eliminate by effective measures; render unnecessary; to obviate the risk of serious injury.
The first thing that came to my mind after some thought was Jack Baur on 24. He was always obviating something serious from happening. That show was definitely ahead of its time. And now, I'm trying to think of a way to use this word in something recent that has happened to me. An example, I wish someone would obviate the election this year in November. We do need a new president, however.
I have little patience for hustles. I feel hustled. A website has taken me for $72 and I feel as though there is little to nothing that I can do. So far, and this just happened yesterday, I have spoken to two websites to see if I can get my money back and my bank. I'm patiently waiting but it is very much against my will. I will never understand why people are constantly trying to take advantage of someone else. For now, I wait.
Yes, it's the first of the year. No, this isn't going to be a resolution entry. I have no resolutions that only occur at the beginning of the new year. My resolutions are weekly and monthly.
The lastest goal that I had for myself didn't come to pass. I was going to take the practice exam for CSAC once more before the first of the year but new year's eve came and went. I have started studying, though. I do want to start writing more. I don't know what I'll talk about, most of the time I find myself being repetative and that's what keeps me from continuing with this journal.
My job is going along nicely. I worry about not expanding the topics that I discuss but this week should help me with that because I start supervision again. We didn't get supervision for three weeks because of the holiday.
Am I growing out of the need to write? That's something I ponder sometimes.
Benjamin Franklin said "Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five." Do you think this sentiment is true -- that a lot of people are just existing in their life rather than really living it? Has this ever been true for you? What things do you do to try to bring new things, people, and experiences into your life?
I thought I would try my hand at responding to one of these prompts because I tend to ramble and write about the same things over and over again. Something fresh and new seems warranted.
I agree with the sentiment of Franklin. I think people have the ability to be more than what they are. That's not to say that what people are isn't enough in every case. It's the same as asking what does it take for a person to consider themselves happy and content with their life. I think some of this has to do with the fact that people have to work to live instead of the other way around. There are jobs that people work because there is a need, customer and the staff, to put it in as general a way as I can. There can be other aspects to consider, too. Take my case, for instance. My life situation prevented me from completing the course I had set for my life. I didn't get to go to college with my classmates, or even make the decision to work instead of going to college. But, as soon as I could do something with my life, I did. I have two degrees and I am working in the field that I have my degree in. Not everyone can say that. So, living to work and working to live can dictate whether or not a person may "die at twenty-five." No one ever said routine is the mother of invention.
In my line of work, I see different people on a daily basis. That doesn't mean that I do anything to bring people into my life. I do try do experience new things. I think venturing out and pushing the edge of a comfort zone can help bring variety to life. I will continue to believe that a person's circumstances tend to dictate whether or not they limit themselves in their life because of necessity rather than want. Then again, technology can limit the experiences a person has in life as well. We are so invovled in what's online or in our phones that it is easy to forget there is a world out there.
When did mental health status become a requirement to disclose for friendship?
I'm still stuck on people who are judgemental but I don't want to rant about that. I'm trying my best to get over things... More things were said by family ....it will never end.
I need mindlessness.... here's a survey:
What's the best place you've found to eat in your neighborhood? Who were you with when you found it? What's your favorite type of activity to do alone?
Fill in the Blank: I would tell a white lie if... I am not a good listener when... My greatest dissatisfactions center around... If I knew I could not fail I would.... I feel most joy in my life when... I'm stubborn when... I'm open about myself to others if... I could be understood better if... I get in my own way when... I missed a significant opportunity in my life when... I tend to sabotage myself when...
Who is your biggest influence in life? Tell me something about yourself that makes you happy. What is your greatest accomplishment in life so far?
I use these questions in groups I run sometimes. It's interesting. Oh, and feel free to ask me a question in return.
I never considered myself to be a very judgemental person. I take people as they are until they give me reason to mistrust them. Since I don't know everyone on the planet, it is very unlikely that my judgement of them will be true. Over the past few years, I have had the benefit of getting to know many people I would not have otherwise met. I can trace back the beginnings of my being less timid and more forthright with my indroduction of self. It started in church. The church I still attend welcomed me with open arms and ever since then, it has been my privilage to welcome anyone else. I can also look back on my life and see where the traits of judgment came from in my family. I am guilty as the next person but I refuse to be that way anymore. It's actually pretty shaming for me to remember some instances where I decided I didn't like someone for some petty reason that I had no true knowledge of whether or not the reason for my dislike was justified.
Over my lifetime, I have chosen to bring few people home to meet my extended family. Ususally it turns out awful and for some reason I had forgotten that aspect, or chose to give those I love the benefit of the doubt. I thought that if I brought someone home, my family would be as I am, consider my feelings, judgement and the character with which I associate those in my personal life. Yet, I was very much disappointed in what actually took place. So disappointed, in fact, that I still think of things to say to those members of my family... the most judgmental things anyone could say about another person without ever getting to know them. There was no "what do you like about him?" or "are you happy?" or "What do you have in common?" No questions about our relationship, only questions about station and aspirations, the past and what they think of anyone in my life that I choose. I felt so betrayed and my own sense of personal judgment undermined. These people who say they love me and would do anything for me, don't know me at all. That was the thought in my own mind. The one person whom I thought had no place to be judgmental over another, in fact, two people whom I thought had no place to be judgmental could have been the most ignorant of all. My mind was and is blown. I have one more family member to introduce my significant other to, although I can't say I blame him if he would rather not meet anyone else in my bloodline, and I am very weary of that task.
I have a question. What do you do when you don't know what to do? This question was posed to me in one of my classes some time ago. What ever it is you do when you don't know what to do, is exactly what needs to happen. I know that sounds like a mouth full of "what did she just say?" but it makes perfect sense after it's thought about for a while. I'm in a space right now where I don't really know what to do. And, what I do when I don't know what to do is pray. I've been told that I also shut down. That's happened a time or two lately. And, that's what I feel like doing now. I don't want to go to my job. All I want to do is sleep and hope that when I wake up things will be better. Depression is a serious thing. It creeps up on a person when they least expect it and there's very little a person can do to prevent it. I've tried doing happy things, unusual things that might change my way of feeling but that doesn't work. So, I try to "be happy in whatever state I'm in." That's in the Bible, too. I guess I would suggest that what I do when I don't know what to do is also write. I love to write. I write and it flushes out the soul. Whatever feelings I have are flushed out onto the page and there's nothing like that feeling when I finish writing. It's almost like the emotions are poured out onto the page and left there for someone else to find when they read whatever it is that has been wrtten.
So, what do you do when you don't know what to do?
There is a car alarm in the distance. It stops for a while and then starts back up like someone can't figure out what's causing the horn to blow.
The sounds of the city are so different than what I am used to and I love it. I feel at home here. I've always had a special place in my heart for the city but I never really knew that it could be this strong. I came here for the first time back in 2008 and was filled with an amazing overwhelming desire. The only way that I can descrbe the emotion that is driving me here is to say that two pieces of a puzzle have come together. I made a post a while ago about feeling the need for a lover that I had not met yet. Coming back to the City has fueled the flames again. Can a city as vibrant and strong as the Concrete Jungle have such an effect? For as long as I can remember, I desire to be reunited with a lost love that I never knew. For a few days that desire will be quinched, beginning with the skylight view from the airplane that brought me back. I will leave a part of myself here and take back a part of the city just as lovers do when they part ways, in death or in life.
"Welcome to Manhattan," he said as we came above ground. My spirit soared. I'm here, I thought. She waited for me... the City. Of course she was here long before I was and will be standing long after I am gone but my footprints are here and that part of me that I gave to her will remain just as I carry the creativity she imparts to me. Let me remain here. Physically, I must go back to my responsibilities and the life that I am just starting to create but mentally, I will hide visions of tall buildings, skyscrapers in their natural habitat... and me.